tangled up

today, i was supposed to be out with my friends. i was, for a while anyway. then something came over me. it could have been that i hadn't eaten the entire day, it could have been that i am still suffering from that quarterlife crisis, it could be that my heart still yearns for you, but in any case, it was the reason i left abruptly, no doubt upsetting my friends. the truth was i missed you, uncontrollably. most days i wake up knowing you are no longer mine, and it hurts, but i manage to deal with it. sometimes though, i miss you and i ache for you, and those days, well those days, i don't think getting out of bed is a wise idea. instead, i wish the bed would swallow me whole. today, i called you, because i have not heard your voice since 20th jan 2009. and that's all i wanted. because despite all we've been through, despite the fact that we no longer talk, or communicate with each other in any way, despite that fact that you shattered my heart in a way no has and can, i feel no one knows me like you. and no one loves me the way you do...

or did...


you will not read this. you rarely miss me. and you probably don't long for me the way i continue to long for you. because i was always far more in love than you, far more vulnerable than you.

i was, and still am, tangled up in you.