who knew?

you
told
me
that
you
loved
me,
but you never want to see me again.

they always say you never forget your first...batch of graduating students, that is!

highway to hell?

since i was 10 i have prayed. it's been on and off. 'off' being at college when i was partying it up. then it did not feel right to come back and worship after a night of debauchery and mayhem. many times in my life, i would rush through prayers, paying more attention to the thoughts running through my head, than the words on my lips. 

but, for the first time since i was 10, i have given up praying altogether. 

i do not yet know why. 

other than the fact, that should there be a g-d, it has forsaken this land and its people entirely.

it looks pink, but i've actually got the blues

6 weeks

i waited six weeks to get a visa to enter the "UK."

today i was told the visa application center in Karachi had messed up my fingerprints, so my visa was not issued. first i was yelled at for their mistakes. then, i was asked to re-apply and wait another 6 weeks to see if i would be issued a visa. the fingerprints are necessary so that they can be scanned by the british embassy in islamabad to determine whether or not i am a convict, felon and/or a potential threat. funny, considering i've been to the "UK" and back over a 50 times (and i've lived there almost 4 years). i'm not the one they should be worried about. somehow the people who stay illegally, make it through easily, and someone who wants and needs a break... well here she is. sick and tired and miserable of it all.

gaystraightgaystraightgaystraight

Today, one of my 17 yr old students asked me if i thought "homo's" were nice people. "Miss," he says, "do you think they're nice? and are they nicer than straight people?" In response, I think I started by giving him a death glare. Then I told him a couple of things.

"I think perhaps you should not refer to gay people as 'homo's'."
"I don't think your sexuality/sexual orientation/sexual preference has anything to do with how nice you are."

What I wanted to say was:
"Where do you get this shit?!?"
"What have your parents and your peers told/taught you?"
"How does this affect you?"



Ugh.

fighting reflections

Unkind
Grotesque
Loveless, but
Yearning

fancy moods do not equal good food

my first manicure in two years

the logistics of love

i want to know what makes any love work. and why people insist sometimes that it can't work. i want to understand finally if logic and love can co-exist, because currently, i believe logic can solidify existing love and notions of love. but should logic try to find place within a love? i
think forcing rationality into such pursuits is often futile, and perhaps even slightly evil. i want to write a book titled logistics of love, which deals with ideas of time and space and how they
affect love and lovers and lovers of love. but who wants to read about love and its idiosyncrasies, through the lens of the brown female gaze? through the perspectives of someone whose identity is in a perpetual state of flux?(can flux be perpetual? or does that make it stable?) i'm not sure i care enough. or that i could ever write about such a vast topic without having to relive all the heartache i've endured over the years. i am however, certain that i'm not strong enough to witness again each of those memories; nor am i powerful enough to fight again those familiar demons.

exam season

mixed bag

it is
broken,
disfigured,
malnourished,
this heart of mine.

"you have some kind of nerve taking all of our love."


it is
tired,
aching,
thirsty,
this mind of mine.

"papa can you hear me?"


it is
queer,
violent,
bewildering,
this 'home' of mine.

"cuz i've been a prisoner all my life."

Ode to Eilis

i lose track of time as i listen.
these are not stories,
but memories and life's lessons.

i lose track of time as i wonder:
she is so brave,
but does she know?
and does she know that i think so?

with love from besch. x

mmm

easter gifts

you know when everything, everything seems to be going wrong?
that is now.