Thursday, June 17, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
excerpt
the following is an excerpt from an email i wrote to a friend. i've decided to not alter my terrible sentence structure. a few words may be unfamiliar to a non-brown audience. please feel free to ask about them.
hey ******,
i don't think the uproar is because facebook is banned. well, at least not personally. i mean, yes it scares me to know i don't have 500 email addresses of my friends from college, but i think it's ridiculous because we already live in a country that's grossly unsafe. as a woman, my physical movements are very restricted - i can't walk down a street, or go walking to buy groceries, because of the horrid things that can be done, or the horrid stuff that has been done, and has been said to me. i mean, I've grown up getting my ass grabbed by strangers, and unable to do very much about it, so as someone whose physical freedoms are curbed, it does piss me off that the PK govt (that is not representative of who I am as a person), finds the need to restrict virtual freedoms too. and frankly I'm not a fan of forced activism - i never visited whatever blasphemous site, so i don't see how banning facebook for me makes sense, or is fair. not to mention, i don't really identify as Muslim. perhaps growing up half Parsi i didn't want to pick a side, or perhaps somewhere down the line i realized everyone really has their own religion, or at least their own version of it, so shoving it down someone's throat is barbaric. i don't care if this is the islamic republic - there's still that white space for minorities on our flag, and yet non muslims and lapsed muslims are all being forced the same fate. also, the PTA claimed only facebook would be blocked. the next day they extended that to youtube. now over 1000 websites have been blocked. this is ridiculous. the 'west' gets freedom of speech, and we get stifled and oppressed and given NO CHOICE, which is my main concern. how dare anyone decide you don't get to choose? especially when it comes to activism, religion and virtual spaces? i think this is all beyond outrageous, and extremely unnecessary. did you know even the internet on our phones is non-existent? seriously, dude. no wonder people run away from this country, anyone with half a brain, and the knowledge of free choice would not last very long here. i do NOT get how our parents do it. given how the pakistan they knew was one with discos, where women wore skirts and where there were no melas....
speaking of melas...yesterday i went to the autocross championship at seaview. and boy, was it a sausage fest. and i realized then and there, that i can deal with karachi never having any bijli, and i can with no water, and 42 degree heat, but i can not, can NOT, deal with sleaze. hooting, rubbing up against women on purpose, hurling insults - i can't STAND it. all because i don't have a penis? i don't get how anything that is pushed out of a vagina, can disrespect a vagina SO badly. despite sitting in the 'family' section, with a hoard of my male friends protecting me and surrounding me, 50 peoples' gazes were on me and not the cars. and i'm not saying that in this cocky way. it has nothing to do with my being attractive. as far as i'm concerned i'm pretty average looking, but because i have long hair and breasts that's reason enough for me to be gawked at, and for men to lick their lips and whisper at each other while they stare me down. SICK. on the one hand, i feel terrible for writing all this, given most of those people were poor, illiterate and women they knew probably never leave the home without being fully covered (fyi too was well covered), but still... no need to hurl insults, and say foul things. plus you don't need to be poor and illiterate to be a complete mela, tons of those in our socio-economic strata too...
hey ******,
i don't think the uproar is because facebook is banned. well, at least not personally. i mean, yes it scares me to know i don't have 500 email addresses of my friends from college, but i think it's ridiculous because we already live in a country that's grossly unsafe. as a woman, my physical movements are very restricted - i can't walk down a street, or go walking to buy groceries, because of the horrid things that can be done, or the horrid stuff that has been done, and has been said to me. i mean, I've grown up getting my ass grabbed by strangers, and unable to do very much about it, so as someone whose physical freedoms are curbed, it does piss me off that the PK govt (that is not representative of who I am as a person), finds the need to restrict virtual freedoms too. and frankly I'm not a fan of forced activism - i never visited whatever blasphemous site, so i don't see how banning facebook for me makes sense, or is fair. not to mention, i don't really identify as Muslim. perhaps growing up half Parsi i didn't want to pick a side, or perhaps somewhere down the line i realized everyone really has their own religion, or at least their own version of it, so shoving it down someone's throat is barbaric. i don't care if this is the islamic republic - there's still that white space for minorities on our flag, and yet non muslims and lapsed muslims are all being forced the same fate. also, the PTA claimed only facebook would be blocked. the next day they extended that to youtube. now over 1000 websites have been blocked. this is ridiculous. the 'west' gets freedom of speech, and we get stifled and oppressed and given NO CHOICE, which is my main concern. how dare anyone decide you don't get to choose? especially when it comes to activism, religion and virtual spaces? i think this is all beyond outrageous, and extremely unnecessary. did you know even the internet on our phones is non-existent? seriously, dude. no wonder people run away from this country, anyone with half a brain, and the knowledge of free choice would not last very long here. i do NOT get how our parents do it. given how the pakistan they knew was one with discos, where women wore skirts and where there were no melas....
speaking of melas...yesterday i went to the autocross championship at seaview. and boy, was it a sausage fest. and i realized then and there, that i can deal with karachi never having any bijli, and i can with no water, and 42 degree heat, but i can not, can NOT, deal with sleaze. hooting, rubbing up against women on purpose, hurling insults - i can't STAND it. all because i don't have a penis? i don't get how anything that is pushed out of a vagina, can disrespect a vagina SO badly. despite sitting in the 'family' section, with a hoard of my male friends protecting me and surrounding me, 50 peoples' gazes were on me and not the cars. and i'm not saying that in this cocky way. it has nothing to do with my being attractive. as far as i'm concerned i'm pretty average looking, but because i have long hair and breasts that's reason enough for me to be gawked at, and for men to lick their lips and whisper at each other while they stare me down. SICK. on the one hand, i feel terrible for writing all this, given most of those people were poor, illiterate and women they knew probably never leave the home without being fully covered (fyi too was well covered), but still... no need to hurl insults, and say foul things. plus you don't need to be poor and illiterate to be a complete mela, tons of those in our socio-economic strata too...
Monday, May 17, 2010
closing time
friday 14th may 2010, saw the close of two years of my life. i will not be returning to the school i was teaching at since i moved back on 18th september 2008 (how we remember the dates that change our lives drastically).
i had considered leaving myself, what with the syllabus being the same year after year (and boring me sufficiently), but i had planned on leaving in december of this year. it turns out though, that teachers are not hired for just one semester, and so my idea of working 2010 away at this same institution, amounted to nothing.
why do i write about this?
because i find it interesting. and repulsive.
i find it interesting that i was told "rules are rules" and they are not bent or broken for anyone. yet, when teachers get pregnant (as several of them have in the 2 years alone that i have been there), they are entitled to the semester off - this is maternity leave. but when teachers desire a semester off to pursue a teacher training course (that was my plan), because they are serious about what they do, and struggling to be better at their careers, somehow that does not warrant time off (which is actually time spent learning), and somehow that is not justified.
let me see if i have this right: so if i choose to birth babies, i am entitled to a semester off (even though i knew full well i was getting myself pregnant, or i knew at the start of the year that i was pregnant), but if i choose to further my knowledge, and better my teaching skills, well then, tough luck.
i don't know why this shocks me. women are after all, just mere vessels for reproduction. a woman's most important job is to have a child, in fact, that's why she exists. women have no minds and no bodies of their own. they have one purpose and one purpose only: to churn out as many offspring as they possibly can. of course, what was i thinking? (i hope you picked up on the sarcasm)
come to think of it, i do know why this shocked me, and why it continues to shock me. i teach. well, i used to. i worked at a school. an institution that imparts knowledge and education. education which is synonymous with tolerance, justice, and equal rights (in my head). and yet, look at what is being practiced. where is the education in that? where is the justice?
i think things worked out for the best. i founded a society for the empowerment of women at this institution, i spoke of equality and respect with its members - i could never have lasted in an academic environment that subjugated women and rendered them mere uterus's.
plus, no one gets to make me feel bad for wanting more knowledge.
NO ONE.
PS. Eilis, i hope wherever you may be, you are at peace, and still following my entries. i think of you often.
i had considered leaving myself, what with the syllabus being the same year after year (and boring me sufficiently), but i had planned on leaving in december of this year. it turns out though, that teachers are not hired for just one semester, and so my idea of working 2010 away at this same institution, amounted to nothing.
why do i write about this?
because i find it interesting. and repulsive.
i find it interesting that i was told "rules are rules" and they are not bent or broken for anyone. yet, when teachers get pregnant (as several of them have in the 2 years alone that i have been there), they are entitled to the semester off - this is maternity leave. but when teachers desire a semester off to pursue a teacher training course (that was my plan), because they are serious about what they do, and struggling to be better at their careers, somehow that does not warrant time off (which is actually time spent learning), and somehow that is not justified.
let me see if i have this right: so if i choose to birth babies, i am entitled to a semester off (even though i knew full well i was getting myself pregnant, or i knew at the start of the year that i was pregnant), but if i choose to further my knowledge, and better my teaching skills, well then, tough luck.
i don't know why this shocks me. women are after all, just mere vessels for reproduction. a woman's most important job is to have a child, in fact, that's why she exists. women have no minds and no bodies of their own. they have one purpose and one purpose only: to churn out as many offspring as they possibly can. of course, what was i thinking? (i hope you picked up on the sarcasm)
come to think of it, i do know why this shocked me, and why it continues to shock me. i teach. well, i used to. i worked at a school. an institution that imparts knowledge and education. education which is synonymous with tolerance, justice, and equal rights (in my head). and yet, look at what is being practiced. where is the education in that? where is the justice?
i think things worked out for the best. i founded a society for the empowerment of women at this institution, i spoke of equality and respect with its members - i could never have lasted in an academic environment that subjugated women and rendered them mere uterus's.
plus, no one gets to make me feel bad for wanting more knowledge.
NO ONE.
PS. Eilis, i hope wherever you may be, you are at peace, and still following my entries. i think of you often.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Eilis
Dear Eilis,
I heard about your death yesterday. I received an email that informed me you had passed away. My heart hurt immediately, tears sprung to my eyes, but after those moments passed, the guilt and remorse set in.
Eilis, I will never forget your kindness. I will never forget our weekly lunches or dinners. You had said you were receiving unemployment benefits and you saw no better way to spend the money than to ensure I dined at some of the places I could otherwise not afford. You were so generous and kind.
I remember how I would fill you in on what was happening in class, and you and I would discuss class material. Even though you were made to leave the course, I did not miss out on your insightful comments and your probing questions, because I took the material to our meetings, and we happily deconstructed it all.
I remember the stories you'd tell me about the people you knew and had known in the past. I remember looking across the many different tables at you, intrigued and amazed and wanting to know more. You were so descriptive with your memories, I felt as if I too lived those moments. And no moment was too special or too private for you to share.
It's through our meetings and our constant emails that I knew more and more that you were a woman who was brilliant and had much to offer. Through your emails and your narration of encounters, I learnt that yours was not a spirit that could be broken. You were never broken Eilis.
I want you to know that your last email that you sent me a week ago apologizing for being rude to me a month or so ago, I meant to reply to. I was never mad at you Eilis. I was always happy to receive your emails, and always so confused as to why you were so proud of me. I do not think anyone has ever thought me as talented as you did. I want you to know I didn't take that for granted. You were the only person I'd send my short stories to. I knew you'd be honest, and yet helpful. You had so much faith in me Eilis, much more than I have ever had in myself. And now I worry I will never make anyone as proud again.
I want you to know when I received your apologetic email, I meant to respond, but I read it in the staffroom and I thought I'd reply when it was convenient for me. It was a selfish move to leave the email marked as unread. It was selfish of me in the last 3 weeks to not take time out to respond. But believe me Eilis, I was never mad at you. I knew you were not doing well. I knew the medication you were given often made you feel worse than better. I meant to respond, Eilis, and now the email in my inbox, still awaiting a response, eats away at me. I was lazy and selfish. I knew you were dealing with a lot, and yet I took my time. I took time you did not have.
Can you ever forgive me?
Will you ever know how grateful I was each time you took me out for lunch or dinner? Will you ever know how happy I was to know I made you proud? Will you ever know I appreciated you looking out for me in Dublin and Karachi? Will you ever know I have kept all your emails over the years, and cherished all the memories we made?
Can you ever forgive me Eilis?
Because I don't know if I can forgive myself.
I heard about your death yesterday. I received an email that informed me you had passed away. My heart hurt immediately, tears sprung to my eyes, but after those moments passed, the guilt and remorse set in.
Eilis, I will never forget your kindness. I will never forget our weekly lunches or dinners. You had said you were receiving unemployment benefits and you saw no better way to spend the money than to ensure I dined at some of the places I could otherwise not afford. You were so generous and kind.
I remember how I would fill you in on what was happening in class, and you and I would discuss class material. Even though you were made to leave the course, I did not miss out on your insightful comments and your probing questions, because I took the material to our meetings, and we happily deconstructed it all.
I remember the stories you'd tell me about the people you knew and had known in the past. I remember looking across the many different tables at you, intrigued and amazed and wanting to know more. You were so descriptive with your memories, I felt as if I too lived those moments. And no moment was too special or too private for you to share.
It's through our meetings and our constant emails that I knew more and more that you were a woman who was brilliant and had much to offer. Through your emails and your narration of encounters, I learnt that yours was not a spirit that could be broken. You were never broken Eilis.
I want you to know that your last email that you sent me a week ago apologizing for being rude to me a month or so ago, I meant to reply to. I was never mad at you Eilis. I was always happy to receive your emails, and always so confused as to why you were so proud of me. I do not think anyone has ever thought me as talented as you did. I want you to know I didn't take that for granted. You were the only person I'd send my short stories to. I knew you'd be honest, and yet helpful. You had so much faith in me Eilis, much more than I have ever had in myself. And now I worry I will never make anyone as proud again.
I want you to know when I received your apologetic email, I meant to respond, but I read it in the staffroom and I thought I'd reply when it was convenient for me. It was a selfish move to leave the email marked as unread. It was selfish of me in the last 3 weeks to not take time out to respond. But believe me Eilis, I was never mad at you. I knew you were not doing well. I knew the medication you were given often made you feel worse than better. I meant to respond, Eilis, and now the email in my inbox, still awaiting a response, eats away at me. I was lazy and selfish. I knew you were dealing with a lot, and yet I took my time. I took time you did not have.
Can you ever forgive me?
Will you ever know how grateful I was each time you took me out for lunch or dinner? Will you ever know how happy I was to know I made you proud? Will you ever know I appreciated you looking out for me in Dublin and Karachi? Will you ever know I have kept all your emails over the years, and cherished all the memories we made?
Can you ever forgive me Eilis?
Because I don't know if I can forgive myself.
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