the land that you leave behind

if i had 5 rupees for every time someone had clung to me with all their life-force, and then abandoned me the instant their life bettered, i would be shitting money. i would have so much money, i would repay my college loans, get myself a phd and travel around the world twice over. and then with all the remaining cash (and there would be plenty), i would ensure that no animal was ever harmed again.

you'd think i would have learnt by now and that i would see such episodes coming my way, that i'd be able to smell them from a distance. aaah, but you see, i can spot them from several hundred miles away, just as i can smell the imminent misuse of my love and affections. this however, does not stop me. it never has and despite the battle scars at age 25, it probably never will.

because, just how do you turn someone away when they claim (and perhaps truthfully so) that they are miserable and broken beyond repair? how do you deny someone your hand when they lie twisted and hurt at your feet? how do you stop yourself from bending down to pick up the million little pieces someone has fallen apart into, when you've been taught it's the right thing to do, and the necessary step to take?

after the help has been given, and the kindness been shown, the real irony takes place. somehow the pitiful, pathetic and broken creatures before me, grow wings and take flight, soaring above me, away from me, and taking from me a huge chunk of myself. somehow their lives transform to ones where their every desire is catered to, and worse still, my every desire, the ones that i have craved and strived for, come to them easily - sometimes even when they do not want it or need it.

the people whose "lives i change," the people who "will never forget me," are drowning in love, the very thing i gave them (and they were unable to give back). Love: the very thing that i find difficult to locate, and harder yet to replenish.

so, use me. go ahead. but do not pretend i will ever matter beyond this point.

and please, do not pretend that those wings that you have grown will ever flutter again through this land that you were so desperate and quick to leave behind.

Songs of Blood and Sword

abida parveen live!

Miss P*

"How do you know the when you're chasing your dreams, and when you're trying too hard
and pursuing a lost cause?" I asked. Miss P thought a
moment and said, "If you're chasing your dreams, you're driven, motivated, and determined. That's what you feel and that's what rushes through your blood stream." She waited. She turned to look me straight in the eyes. "But if you're pursuing a lost cause, you will feel the hopelessness and helplessness set in. Just as you will feel the frustration." She leaned forward, and it was her turn to ask a question. "Tell me," she began, "do you feel frustrated?"



*based on a real life story

just another saturday

"I have done a lot of gay things... A LOT." -ayub khuhro

this time around...

this time around in 2008, well tomorrow this time around to be precise, i was at the st. paddy's day parade. after i left the parade, i planted myself at porterhouse with gillian, where we stayed for pretty much the entire day. it was a day of laughter and celebration, and one of my fondest memories to date.

this time around in 2009, i was heart broken and miserable over having lost the 'love of my life.' i cried often, snapped at people a lot more often, and did not care much for my body and my thoughts. i was being driven crazy by the idea that i was to blame for this tragedy of epic proportions (that's sarcasm, available only after the passing of time has taken place, and the healing process has occurred) and this loss of love. this time around last year, i think it's safe to say, i was feeling depressed and dismal, hopeless and helpless.

i don't know how i will feel tomorrow. but i know i am not as miserable as i once was, and i know i do not feel as helpless as i once did. whether i am deluded or delusional, i am no longer as worried about my future, because i take all the necessary steps i can to get to where i want to go, and trust that the universe will take me to the places that i need to be. i have told people recently, friends and students, to trust the universe, and to believe that there is a bigger plan than the one you might have conjured up. i have told them that life has a funny way of setting up brief meetings and strange encounters, only to service that much bigger plan. i have told them (and subsequently told myself) that once all the necessary steps have been taken on the path that leads to your future, please bear in mind, this path may shift, may lead to a dead end, may crumble before your very eyes, and you might very well come out rejoicing at that outcome - the outcome you initially feared.

for what we want, is often separate to what we need. and what we need is often unknown to us.

so as i said, i do not know how i will feel tomorrow. and when i wake up knowing it is paddy's day, i could spend the day pining for a day when everything seemed to make sense and everything seemed to come together, when fun and frolic was all i saw and witnessed for 24 entire hours. i could yearn for a day like that. or, i could wake up tomorrow knowing i might not feel exactly that again, but i sure as shit don't feel as miserable as i did last year.

there's also that possibility of waking up tomorrow and not pining over 17th March 2008, and not whining over 17th March 2009, but just stirring from slumber, stretching, and thinking, "good morning, life. and what've you got in store for me today?"

because at the end of the day i've realized, things just sort of come your way, foreseen or otherwise, and it's what you do with them that matters. so i guess what i'm saying is, good or bad...

...bring it.

hit me retrograde, one more time

it's been so long since i have written that i'm bursting with things to say, and yet i feel as if there is nothing to write about because so much has happened, i'm not sure where to start. these are not all small things, but i will choose to write about something small, for i have not yet understood how to phrase and write off the things that have deeply impacted me.

since i last wrote i visited singapore, where i had an amazing time meeting up with a friend who is wonderful and warm and hospitable beyond belief. since i've returned i've dealt with the same issues that persist in one's love life, personal life, and social life.

so which one should i address? well, let's start with the fact that there's something about march that just doesn't sit well with me. i make decisions that are irrational and rash (in retrospect), and of course, i deal with the consequences, but they're always so...unnecessary. this march (and only 10 days in, mind you), i think i may have already upset or angered someone. what's funny is that that wasn't my intention...at all! au contraire! i wanted to prove i care deeply about them. anyhow, i did it, and now i'm not sure what the consequences of my action are, other than, i think, they think that i'm ridiculous and crazy. and i'm not sure i'd dispute either claim.

i guess in some regards i should be grateful. this time around last year, i was a right ol' mess. could you blame me? this was when i received a 'break up email' from the 'love of my life' and 'my soul mate' and 'other half,' and all that nonsense they sell us (and of course we buy). last year my heart was broken, i believed, beyond repair. this was someone i had told my family about, and someone i had planned my life around (what a mistake). this was someone who was selfish (though i didn't see it then), constantly ambivalent (although he'd convince me otherwise), and very set in his ways (regardless of how intrusive and intolerant they may have been). i did not see any of this then, which is why in march 2009, i fell apart like never before...

...and never again, i assured myself, i promised myself. but that might also just mean that i don't have anyone to fall apart over (not that i desire to crumble). the thing is, last march i thought i'd never love again, and this new year i knew that was not true. broken hearts are mended - that is the beauty and blessing of (most) human existence. and my heart is healed, and it will love again (and it does with several people and places already), but some delightful things this march are also (unfortunately) rapidly falling to shit.

so i will do what i do best: pretend that things are not so bad and believe that the month seems to be one of trial and conflict because it was all part of the celestial plan, as mars is in retrograde currently (and when mars is in retrograde, it is said rash and impulsive decisions are made, regrets are piled up, and everyday life remembles paddling upstream for mars, is the god of war).

i will pretend that things will get better, because if i pretend long enough, i believe. and when i believe, i act upon those beliefs. i will tell myself, this too shall pass, because it will and it is. and i will try and work on getting my brain and heart in sync.

my heart that claims these little things make a big difference. and my brain that knows the difference is only as big and significant as i allow for it to be.