this time around...

this time around in 2008, well tomorrow this time around to be precise, i was at the st. paddy's day parade. after i left the parade, i planted myself at porterhouse with gillian, where we stayed for pretty much the entire day. it was a day of laughter and celebration, and one of my fondest memories to date.

this time around in 2009, i was heart broken and miserable over having lost the 'love of my life.' i cried often, snapped at people a lot more often, and did not care much for my body and my thoughts. i was being driven crazy by the idea that i was to blame for this tragedy of epic proportions (that's sarcasm, available only after the passing of time has taken place, and the healing process has occurred) and this loss of love. this time around last year, i think it's safe to say, i was feeling depressed and dismal, hopeless and helpless.

i don't know how i will feel tomorrow. but i know i am not as miserable as i once was, and i know i do not feel as helpless as i once did. whether i am deluded or delusional, i am no longer as worried about my future, because i take all the necessary steps i can to get to where i want to go, and trust that the universe will take me to the places that i need to be. i have told people recently, friends and students, to trust the universe, and to believe that there is a bigger plan than the one you might have conjured up. i have told them that life has a funny way of setting up brief meetings and strange encounters, only to service that much bigger plan. i have told them (and subsequently told myself) that once all the necessary steps have been taken on the path that leads to your future, please bear in mind, this path may shift, may lead to a dead end, may crumble before your very eyes, and you might very well come out rejoicing at that outcome - the outcome you initially feared.

for what we want, is often separate to what we need. and what we need is often unknown to us.

so as i said, i do not know how i will feel tomorrow. and when i wake up knowing it is paddy's day, i could spend the day pining for a day when everything seemed to make sense and everything seemed to come together, when fun and frolic was all i saw and witnessed for 24 entire hours. i could yearn for a day like that. or, i could wake up tomorrow knowing i might not feel exactly that again, but i sure as shit don't feel as miserable as i did last year.

there's also that possibility of waking up tomorrow and not pining over 17th March 2008, and not whining over 17th March 2009, but just stirring from slumber, stretching, and thinking, "good morning, life. and what've you got in store for me today?"

because at the end of the day i've realized, things just sort of come your way, foreseen or otherwise, and it's what you do with them that matters. so i guess what i'm saying is, good or bad...

...bring it.