hit me retrograde, one more time

it's been so long since i have written that i'm bursting with things to say, and yet i feel as if there is nothing to write about because so much has happened, i'm not sure where to start. these are not all small things, but i will choose to write about something small, for i have not yet understood how to phrase and write off the things that have deeply impacted me.

since i last wrote i visited singapore, where i had an amazing time meeting up with a friend who is wonderful and warm and hospitable beyond belief. since i've returned i've dealt with the same issues that persist in one's love life, personal life, and social life.

so which one should i address? well, let's start with the fact that there's something about march that just doesn't sit well with me. i make decisions that are irrational and rash (in retrospect), and of course, i deal with the consequences, but they're always so...unnecessary. this march (and only 10 days in, mind you), i think i may have already upset or angered someone. what's funny is that that wasn't my intention...at all! au contraire! i wanted to prove i care deeply about them. anyhow, i did it, and now i'm not sure what the consequences of my action are, other than, i think, they think that i'm ridiculous and crazy. and i'm not sure i'd dispute either claim.

i guess in some regards i should be grateful. this time around last year, i was a right ol' mess. could you blame me? this was when i received a 'break up email' from the 'love of my life' and 'my soul mate' and 'other half,' and all that nonsense they sell us (and of course we buy). last year my heart was broken, i believed, beyond repair. this was someone i had told my family about, and someone i had planned my life around (what a mistake). this was someone who was selfish (though i didn't see it then), constantly ambivalent (although he'd convince me otherwise), and very set in his ways (regardless of how intrusive and intolerant they may have been). i did not see any of this then, which is why in march 2009, i fell apart like never before...

...and never again, i assured myself, i promised myself. but that might also just mean that i don't have anyone to fall apart over (not that i desire to crumble). the thing is, last march i thought i'd never love again, and this new year i knew that was not true. broken hearts are mended - that is the beauty and blessing of (most) human existence. and my heart is healed, and it will love again (and it does with several people and places already), but some delightful things this march are also (unfortunately) rapidly falling to shit.

so i will do what i do best: pretend that things are not so bad and believe that the month seems to be one of trial and conflict because it was all part of the celestial plan, as mars is in retrograde currently (and when mars is in retrograde, it is said rash and impulsive decisions are made, regrets are piled up, and everyday life remembles paddling upstream for mars, is the god of war).

i will pretend that things will get better, because if i pretend long enough, i believe. and when i believe, i act upon those beliefs. i will tell myself, this too shall pass, because it will and it is. and i will try and work on getting my brain and heart in sync.

my heart that claims these little things make a big difference. and my brain that knows the difference is only as big and significant as i allow for it to be.