Eilis

Dear Eilis,

I heard about your death yesterday. I received an email that informed me you had passed away. My heart hurt immediately, tears sprung to my eyes, but after those moments passed, the guilt and remorse set in.

Eilis, I will never forget your kindness. I will never forget our weekly lunches or dinners. You had said you were receiving unemployment benefits and you saw no better way to spend the money than to ensure I dined at some of the places I could otherwise not afford. You were so generous and kind.

I remember how I would fill you in on what was happening in class, and you and I would discuss class material. Even though you were made to leave the course, I did not miss out on your insightful comments and your probing questions, because I took the material to our meetings, and we happily deconstructed it all.

I remember the stories you'd tell me about the people you knew and had known in the past. I remember looking across the many different tables at you, intrigued and amazed and wanting to know more. You were so descriptive with your memories, I felt as if I too lived those moments. And no moment was too special or too private for you to share.

It's through our meetings and our constant emails that I knew more and more that you were a woman who was brilliant and had much to offer. Through your emails and your narration of encounters, I learnt that yours was not a spirit that could be broken. You were never broken Eilis.

I want you to know that your last email that you sent me a week ago apologizing for being rude to me a month or so ago, I meant to reply to. I was never mad at you Eilis. I was always happy to receive your emails, and always so confused as to why you were so proud of me. I do not think anyone has ever thought me as talented as you did. I want you to know I didn't take that for granted. You were the only person I'd send my short stories to. I knew you'd be honest, and yet helpful. You had so much faith in me Eilis, much more than I have ever had in myself. And now I worry I will never make anyone as proud again.

I want you to know when I received your apologetic email, I meant to respond, but I read it in the staffroom and I thought I'd reply when it was convenient for me. It was a selfish move to leave the email marked as unread. It was selfish of me in the last 3 weeks to not take time out to respond. But believe me Eilis, I was never mad at you. I knew you were not doing well. I knew the medication you were given often made you feel worse than better. I meant to respond, Eilis, and now the email in my inbox, still awaiting a response, eats away at me. I was lazy and selfish. I knew you were dealing with a lot, and yet I took my time. I took time you did not have.

Can you ever forgive me?

Will you ever know how grateful I was each time you took me out for lunch or dinner? Will you ever know how happy I was to know I made you proud? Will you ever know I appreciated you looking out for me in Dublin and Karachi? Will you ever know I have kept all your emails over the years, and cherished all the memories we made?

Can you ever forgive me Eilis?
Because I don't know if I can forgive myself.